So THIS is what having a lap band is like

The band is tight. I am truly restricted. Can't eat in the morning and if I don't wait 20 or 30 seconds in between bites, it's all coming right back up. Have read all about this from so many bandsters, but haven't experienced it until now.

I went in a few days ago for a fill(my 4th since surgery), and asked the nurse practitioner to be a little more aggressive with this one. In other words, pump a lot more saline into this tube around the upper part of my stomach. "I want to feel it this time!" The holidays are of course not a good time of year to lose weight, and even this year I did my share of quietly walking into my mom's kitchen and very slowly opening the cupboard where all the peanut butter blossoms sat, beckoning me. And I obliged. Often. The 9 pounds I lost in the first 2 weeks of the month all plus one came right back on, as evidenced at my weigh in Tuesday. But now's the part where I give myself a little pat on the back.

All this time since a few weeks after surgery, I have been capable of eating much more than I allow myself to eat. My band has been much "looser" than most bands and I was just fine with that as long as I could exercise some self control and continue losing weight. The thing you learn is that the more weight you lose, the already loose lap band becomes even looser, to the point that you can eat almost as much as you could eat prior to surgery. And in December that's exactly what happened to me. My first 50 pounds lost was approximately 40% lap band and 60% me exercising restraint at meal time. And that's something to be proud of. But enough with pride already! From this point on I want those numbers reversed. Back to 54 pounds down thankfully, and I anticipate being 60 pounds down within the next week. And will gladly let the band carry more of the workload for awhile.

New Fill. New Pants.

2nd fill was Monday and there is just that slightly extra restriction I needed as I was feeling quite hungry between meals the previous week. With all of the pre-surgery research I did, somehow I didn't come across, or at least didn't notice that the optimum tightness of the lap band is so important and so tricky to achieve. I honestly feel that right now is perfect for me. I can still eat bread, fibrous vegetables, rice, dense meats, etc.(all foods that can potentially get "stuck" and come back up) with no issues. Calories range from 1500-2000 a day(keep in mind to maintain my weight I would have to eat 4000 plus). And yet in the past 2 and a half weeks I have dropped 14 pounds. Down 40 now! This time with real food....NOT pre-op and post-op liquid dieting. Have lost 4 inches in my waist and had to buy new pants and jeans yesterday. Still in huge sizes of course:) I'll be a Big & Tall shopper for a good year I would imagine. As emotional as I am I'll probably start crying the first time I can shop at Macy's or Dillard's. Can only imagine the looks I'll get! and I'll probably just keep on crying.

OK, so it isn't all sunshine and Ovaltine. One thing I do battle is not having food as a comfort during rough moments. My parents(as I've mentioned) are both very sick. We are hopeful that Mom can have many good years left, but that is always a huge concern and stress. Dad will not have many good years left, or that many years left period. The stress, worry and devastation of all of this could previously be "medicated" with 4 pieces of fried chicken, potatoes and gravy. Or an 18 ounce Ribeye with a baked potato the size of a toddler's head. 6 ounces of fish and a half piece of bread doesn't really cut it, in terms of comfort food.

All of that said, the whole idea of over indulgence as a comfort is a very unhealthy pattern. And true sustaining comfort will come from being much smaller and much healthier. I value this experience for more than just weigh loss. I value what it teaches me.

35 Pounds Down

Since my first fill a week ago today, I have dropped 9 pounds, with a total loss of 35. In no way am I as restricted as I will be. I can eat anything I want and in larger amounts than I will soon be able to. But I'm consuming roughly 1800 calories a day and that's a great weight loss zone for me. I honestly don't want the band to be so tight that half of what I eat comes right back up, but I also don't want to be quite as hungry as I am now. This little device in my body is quite the needy little thing, requiring constant care and altering. Thrilled to have it and will coddle this high maintenance device for the rest of my life.

So many good things on the horizon. 

Reunited With Exercise

So I noticed yesterday that my hunger had increased slightly from the day of the fill. Makes sense, since Karen(Nurse Practitioner) explained that it will likely be 3 fills before I feel optimum restriction for weight loss. That said, I'm eating much less again(around 1300 calories  a day the past 2 days) and have lost 5 lbs the past 2 days, equaling a total of 31 pounds now. This is sort of the cycle of the band. Lose a lot of weight, lose a little weight, lose no weight, gain a few pounds, get a fill. Repeat.

6 weeks since surgery and now it's Back to the Bowflex! Did a very light workout yesterday on this cool machine, then hopped on the exercise bike after. Felt great and did not feel any pain in my umbilical hernia. I think exercise is vitally important during this process and for the rest of my life, frankly. I was feeling so down yesterday morning, dealing with both parents struggling with severe health problems. After my workout the mind was stronger and the sadness at a manageable level anyway. Much more effective than 2 meals at McDonald's, then amounts of beer that I now find impossible to consume! Although I do see some wine in my near future:)

1st Fill Complete. Now the True Lap Band Weight Loss Begins.

Just got home from Dr. Malley's office and enjoying a few ounces of Muscle Milk following my first fill. I wondered if it would be painful, and honestly it wasn't. There was a slight sting from the needle that might be comparable to getting a shot, but it lasted for a second. I will say a slight throbbing/stinging sensation is still there, and maybe that's due to some remaining scar tissue from surgery. The fill itself was feelingless-my word, deal with it. This is a day that I have been impatiently waiting for for weeks as I have been very hungry and have had little to no restriction since about 2 weeks post surgery. Hopefully within a couple of weeks, I'll be back to 40 pounds down(currently 26). Until then, I'm still a little miffed at gaining 14 pounds back, even though I know it's entirely normal.

What a great entire staff at Malley's office. Today I met Nurse Practitioner Karen, who administered the fill. She was a great source of information, very kind and I'm gonna go ahead and say she did a great job because my belly is full after roughly 6 ounces of Muscle Milk!

2 Weeks

My first fill is in 2 weeks. As I mentioned in an earlier post, hunger had really started to kick in. Well that has leveled off a bit and while I'm still eating more than I eventually will, I'm not starving by any means. And, I'm starting to fill up on less food again which is SO welcome. In 2 weeks, my hope is that my first fill is a success(it can take 2 or 3 to get it right), because if so, the weight loss will return in a big way.

What an emotional ride this has already been. I almost hesitate to share too much because it makes one so vulnerable. Some things should be kept secret, right? Of course, this is just mind manipulation to entice people to ask me to share:) What I will say is this. Most days, most of the time I am optimistic, energetic and encouraged by so many people close to me. That said, there are still so many reminders of how big I am, and how I'm perceived by some because of that. I've thought a lot about past relationships the past couple of days. Even the ones that didn't end so well. The main thought or feeling is not regret or bitterness. It's actually an awareness of how much I appreciate every beautiful girl I've dated who gave a very overweight guy like me a shot. The ones that didn't just think I have a "good personality" but also made me feel like a handsome guy from the chin(s) up who needed to lose weight for my health rather than only seeing a fat guy. Whatever wrongs that may have been committed(which I have documented in numerous songs:)) they are forgiven for that very reason. Hopefully my wrongs are forgiven, too.

I'm hearing Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias in my head this very second.

Ode To Bandster Hell

Until my first fill I am ready to kill
and eat everything in sight
Chicken skin, beef, pasta as well
Add mayo. And I don't mean lite.

So please adjust me sooner than later
Dr. Malley I beg this of you
I have healed so quickly No longer am I sickly
All day I just chew chew chew